tired.

If I told you that I stay home with my girls and work from home and take a nap almost every day, you'd probably think that sounded great--even easy--right? Well, it's not. And I'm struggling.

I had postpartum depression after Talia was born. Medication does help. Sunshine helps. An understanding family helps. Friends help. But even though I'm getting out of the house more now and not crying every day, I'm still feeling down. Just plain tired.

Tired of financial difficulty. Tired of not being able to spend time with my husband (he gets home from work and then I go downstairs to work while he takes care of the girls). Tired of going to bed no earlier than 1:00 a.m. (I have to work late because I get interrupted with feedings and bedtime and meltdowns) and having to wake up to feed Talia, then getting up for good in the morning and dealing with Sophie's tears. She cries about everything from her Bible being on the floor to what to have for breakfast to the light being off in her room to not wanting to go to the bathroom to the TV being turned off. I love her so much, but her lack of...emotional maturity...is exhausting.

I'm tired of not having time to myself. I would like to work on my photography. I still haven't read the manual that came with my camera, and I just shoot in auto all the time. Nathan got me a newer version of Photoshop for my birthday a few months ago and I've hardly done anything with it. I never have devotions, something I feel guilty about, but it's just another thing on the To Do list...not the right attitude. I like blogging but haven't had much time for updates lately. Currently Talia is napping and Sophie is at my side asking me to be the cow mommy. I'm sort of playing with her and typing. ("Would you be the mommy cow again? Be the mommy cow again, mom! Be the mommy cow again!")

I am tired of my big flabby belly. But there is no time to exercise. The nicer weather is great; we did take a walk a couple days ago but it was too slow to be considered exercise. :) We don't have a double stroller, so Sophie was walking too. Talia wasn't a big fan of the wind, so I need to wait until things are calmer to walk again. I previously had visions of doing Wii Fit during the girls' naptime, but with the way my sleep at night is, I just take a nap instead. I NEED it. I'm not one of those lucky people who can function successfully on 6 hours of sleep. I'm starting to get too scared to nap though. One day Sophie will nap for 2 hours and then the next she won't sleep for 2 seconds, instead wreaking havoc on her room or even the bathroom, as was the case yesterday. I woke up to her wiping the counter with the hand towel. The counter and floor were covered in soap. "I was just cleaning, mama!" Her pants were off and her shirt was weird--arms still in the sleeves and the rest of the shirt stuck behind her head. When she does stay in her room for "Quiet Time", bad things can happen in there. She has pulled her curtain down, knocked a picture off the wall, and totally trashed the floor with toys and books.

I compare myself to other women who seem to have it all together...happy/obedient kids, clean house, a working budget and the willpower to stick to it, an amazing spiritual life, toned abs, a car that doesn't have its side mirrors super glued and taped on...and I feel like crap.

All done now. And I sort of feel better. I don't want any lectures. I'm not looking for sympathy. I really am grateful for so many blessings in my life. I love my family. My girls are healthy. My husband tells me I'm beautiful and he's proud of me. I'm thankful for my job and the ability to work from home. I wouldn't want to do anything that made me leave my girls. The schedule is just kinda rotten. I love our house. I'm happy my car gets me from Point A to Point B. We could be worse off financially. I just needed to write this. Gotta go get Talia; she's done napping. And Sophie is really, really wanting me to play. I can be the mommy pig now.