He is the good in goodbye.

I haven't posted anything in a month. The only thing I wanted to talk about was how we were expecting our third baby--the sweetest surprise ever!--but I didn't want to make such a public announcement until after my 12 week appointment, which would be next Monday. We won't be keeping that appointment.

I didn't have a cute way of telling everyone we were having another baby. Nathan just got an email about it! Ha! I guess I still want to tell our story, even though it isn't ending the way we want it to.

In mid-March, Sophie randomly said, "Mom, you have a big tummy!" and I had been thinking that lately, too. Combining that with some other things, I thought it best to go buy some tests, but I didn't say anything to Nathan about it. I took a test on March 18 and it was positive. OH WOW. This was a new feeling. We'd always been one of those couples who has to try. I was a crazy lady who charted and obsessed over it all before Sophie came along. We had been starting to talk about maybe another baby next year but we sure weren't planning on now! I hadn't been taking prenatals! I sat in a hot tub when we went to Kansas City! Ahhh! I wasn't sure what to think, but it didn't take too long to get super excited! I took a picture of the positive test and emailed it to Nathan with the subject line "Uhhhh..." He called not too long after I sent it! :) He said he'd been on the phone with a customer and that he started saying, "Um. Um. I'm gonna have to call you back." He brought roses for me when he came home from work. We were nervous about being the parents of three kiddos but agreed this was the best surprise ever.

Pregnancy--especially early pregnancy--is a trying time for me. Not because I get horribly sick or anything, but because I'm a worrier. We are not strangers to loss. In May of 2006, I was pregnant for the first time and started bleeding when I thought I was 9 weeks along. We had a sonogram and it showed nothing. The diagnosis was a blighted ovum, meaning there had been a fertilized egg but it never developed. We were crushed. I felt tricked. It was awful. Looking back, I should have known that pregnancy wasn't going to work out. It took two weeks after being late to even get a faint positive sign. But I didn't know anything, and I was blissfully happy. Our 2 year anniversary was a few days after that. We didn't feel like celebrating. We bought a sweet pair of white shoes with angel wings on the back to remember our baby.

I ended up pregnant again in August, and Sophie was born May 10, 2007. I worried all during that pregnancy. In the beginning I asked for hCG levels to be drawn so I could know that the hormone levels were doubling the way they should be. I did that again in my pregnancy with Talia, and the levels went up but didn't actually double. WORRY. Needless worry and tears. Talia was born December 22, 2009, perfect in every way.

Now, March and April 2011. I didn't ask for any special blood work. We decided to see a new OB, and he sees patients as early as 8 weeks, instead of 10 like we were used to. Score!! Couldn't wait to check out this little peanut. My belly had popped out so early (ask anyone in my family--they had a good time laughing at me!) and we weren't sure how long it could stay a secret. We had actually told lots of family and several close friends but hadn't made any official announcements. I was still nervous.

Nathan came with me to the appointment on April 12. I was exactly 8 weeks by dates. We saw our baby, a little blob with a strong heartbeat of 150! We even got to hear it.  The baby measured 7 weeks, 3 days but the doctor said that was completely within the limits of the sono. I thought we were in the clear. We talked with the doctor about my history of big babies and rough deliveries and agreed to plan a C-section a week early. I was so excited about November 15th.

We told Sophie she was going to have a baby brother or sister. We laughed imagining crazy Talia as a big sister. :) Sophie said, "And I'm going to be an even bigger sister!" with her arms spread wide. We were all so happy.

My symptoms were strong. I was completely exhausted, needed to eat a lot of protein, and felt pretty sick in the evenings. We talked about names. We actually had a boy's name and not a girl's name, which had never happened before. Maybe it was a sign?? I was already freaking out about the idea of Sophie and Talia sharing a room. I was bracing myself to never sleep again. :)

I was still nervous though. I thought that surely everything would be ok, especially given our sonogram, but I couldn't shake the worry. I dreamed recently that I had a miscarriage. I was so happy when I woke up and it wasn't real. The girls and I do sidewalk chalk a lot...one of the most recent times, I wrote "Sophie", "Talia", and "Baby". The last time we went out, I noticed "Baby" was gone even though the girls' names were still there and completely legible. And you know what I did? I drew a heart where "Baby" had been. Why didn't I rewrite it?

I'm crying now. This hurts so bad.

Anyway, just this past Sunday we made an announcement in our Sunday School class and said we were expecting a baby in November. Clapping, smiles, congratulations. So much fun. The very next night, around 7:00, I was doing some transcription work and felt a gush. I went upstairs to check it out and it was blood. I told Nathan. I apologized. We agreed there was no need to go to the ER. We'd just wait and call the OB's office in the morning. I had very mild cramps off and on, but nothing else happened that night. I hoped and hoped it was placenta previa like I had with Talia. It corrected itself and I never bled then, but maybe this was different.

Tuesday was a long day. I got an appointment at 1:40. Then it got pushed back to 3:45. Waiting. Wondering. Praying. I didn't panic. My husband was proud of me. :) I didn't know how it was going to go, but I wanted to be able to trust in God's goodness and rest in His hands.

Nathan and I went to the appointment together. The doctor found the baby on the screen. But it looked the same as last time--only worse. It was a blob still. And there was no flicker to show a heartbeat. "This doesn't look good," he said. We tried other views. Still nothing. Our baby had passed away just a couple days after that first sonogram three weeks ago. And it was time to discuss our options.

We could do a D&C or we could wait and let it happen naturally. Since it seemed that things were already happening on their own, I just wanted to do it naturally. That's still the plan. It's hard. I hope it's over soon. Saturday is Sophie's 4th birthday party and we're still having it. Nathan is planning on running the show. He's a good one! Sunday is Mother's Day. Ouch.

Our family and friends have been amazing. Sweet messages, meals, flowers...nobody has said anything like what's in the poem below. I heard some of these the first time around though, and I just love the other parts of the poem:


Nobody knew you
” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”

…existed.

Nobody knew you

” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”

…were real


Nobody knew you

” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.

It’s all for the best.”

…were perfect.



Nobody knew you

” You can always have another!”

…were unique.


Nobody knew you

” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”

…were loved for yourself.



Nobody knew you

…but us.


And we will always remember

…You.

By Jan Cosby

I've whispered my goodbyes. I've cried until I don't think I can cry anymore. I've started putting away the maternity clothes already filling my dresser drawers and closet.

I don't understand why this happened. We were never even trying to be pregnant and then--surprise!--we were. Why did it even have to happen at all if it was just going to end this way? To make us realize we really want a third baby? But I don't know if I can do this again! We knew about our baby for almost 7 weeks. That's a long time to get attached and have hopes and dreams for a new little life in your family.

I'm so thankful we don't have to grieve as those who have no hope. Because of Jesus, there is good in goodbye. He is our hope. Please pray for us as we continue to process all this and that we will draw closer to Him. We want to trust His goodness and grace. We believe His plan for our family will be better than what we could have imagined, even though we'd sure like to know what our family will look like a few years from now. Please pray for my physical and emotional health and healing. If you made it through this, thanks!