sometimes

Sometimes you can be determined to wake up and have a better day. You actually set the alarm and get up and get ready before you hear that the baby is ready to get out of her crib.

Sometimes you can get a nonfat iced caramel mocha latte from McDonalds as a special treat and feel really good for awhile.

Sometimes you can spend over an hour at the library with your girls, browsing picture books, doing puzzles, listening to story time, and making a paperbag whale craft. Oh, and chasing the baby allllll over the place while other mamas smile knowingly as you zip past with an apologetic smile on your face.

Sometimes your darling girls will don hats and race up and down the hallway. They will laugh, and you will too.

Sometimes you can tell yourself it's ok to nap for just awhile, even though you really shouldn't need one after a full night's sleep the night before.

Sometimes you can wake up from your nap and be all wrapped up in your blanket with a few tears streaming down your cheeks when your older daughter waltzes in after her Angelina Ballerina video is over.

You might ask for a hug and she might crawl over you to lay on your other side, and she might cuddle with you so sweetly and willingly, then laugh when she feels a stray tear get into her hair. "You're all wet!" she might giggle. "How did you get all wet?"

"I'm a little sad today," you might explain carefully.

"Why?" She has to know.

"Because I miss our little baby."

"Oh." She thinks for a minute. "Sometimes little babies just don't come."

"I know." Tears are really coming now, but the crying is silent.

She says, "I think you'll have another one someday."

You say, "OK" and she says, "I hope it's another girl. And a boy."

And then the conversation might turn into a happy one about how the name Sophie is perfect for her (she likes it) and Talia is perfect for "well, you know, Talia!"

Sometimes you can have a great life and know you're really blessed, and you can still be a little sad. Because you should be over halfway done with a pregnancy. You should know if you're having a boy or a girl. The answer shouldn't be neither.